When the Holidays Hit Hard: Recognizing Emotional Triggers and Cultivating Compassionate Coping
The holiday season often carries an expectation of warmth, joy, and togetherness. But for many of us, it also comes with emotional undercurrents that are quieter, heavier, and less spoken about. This time of year can trigger patterns of grief, disconnection, boundary confusion, and even relapse risk; so rather than trying to make the holidays perfect, we invite you to discover what your nervous system is asking for—and to give yourself the gift of compassionate awareness.
Below are some of the common triggers clients bring to this season, and alongside each, a handful of practical and gentle coping ideas. Think of this as a “map” rather than a “checklist”—you might not need every suggestion, and you might add your own.
1. Challenging Family Dynamics & Boundaries
What this trigger can feel like:
- Walking into a family gathering and hearing old roles or voices (“You’re still…”, “When are you going to…”) kick in.
- Feeling torn: wanting connection, yet sensing you need to protect yourself.
- Difficulty saying “no,” or feeling guilt/obligation for setting a boundary.
- The nervous system responding (tightening, dissociating, irritability) even before you consciously know what’s happening.
Why it matters: Many people who have histories of relational or developmental trauma likely learned adaptations (safe ways of being, ways of surviving) that served you then but may now feel heavy or mis-firing. When family comes together, old patterns may be re-activated and you may find yourself in conflict with both the past and who you want to be now.
Gentle coping ideas:
- Pre-plan your “why” and “what”: Before going into a family situation, identify one or two intentions (e.g., “I want to show up and connect.” “I’m committed to leaving if I feel unsafe.”) and one boundary (e.g., “I’ll excuse myself if the topic goes in this direction.”).
- Signal your nervous system: Use a grounding ritual (a few deep breaths, noticing your feet on the floor, a quick body-scan) when you first arrive. This helps shift you from reactive mode to responsive mode.
- Have an exit plan: It’s okay to leave early, step outside, send yourself a text to break, or shift the environment.
- Use compassionate self-talk: If you get triggered, try saying: “This is familiar. My nervous system is lighting up. That makes sense. I can choose what to do next.”
- Debrief: After the event (or part of it), check in with yourself (body, feelings, thoughts). A short journaling session or text to a trusting friend can help integrate the experience.
2. Grief Around Loss of Loved Ones
What this trigger can feel like:
- A seat is empty, a name isn’t mentioned, or a scent/cue arrives and you remember someone.
- The holiday seems to "move on" but you’re still carrying the memory, the longing, the ache.
- You may feel out of sync: others appear “celebrating” while you’re quietly grieving.
Why it matters: Grief is layered—it isn’t only about death or absence. It can be about the “what-was,” the “what-could have been,” and the “what is now.” Grief doesn’t always reside in the “big event”; it often hides in rituals, expectations, memories.
Gentle coping ideas:
- Light a ritual: A candle, a photo, a quiet moment—acknowledge the person or the loss. Naming it helps move it from “silent burden” to “shared truth.”
- Allow yourself permission to feel: You don’t have to “be festive.” It’s okay to step away, rest, or carve out a moment of solitude.
- Invite the person into your holiday in a small way: Maybe you cook their favorite dish, play a song they loved, or share a story about them.
- Consider “legacy grief”: What part of your loved one lives in you? What about your life reflects their presence? This can connect grief with meaning.
- Seek connection or safe space: If it feels heavy, reach out—to your therapist, a friend, or a support group. Grief shared is grief eased.
3. Grief Around Your Family Not Looking the Way You Wanted
What this trigger can feel like:
- You envisioned “home” or “holiday” in a certain way (warm, easy, inclusive), but reality doesn’t match.
- You notice the gap between expectation and experience: “Why aren’t we like the movies?”
- Feelings of shame, disappointment, resentment can surface alongside longing.
Why it matters: It’s common and valid to grieve not just what is but also what you wished for. There may have been an unspoken hope for the “ideal family,” the “holiday we deserved,” the “memory we’ll look back on fondly,” that didn’t manifest.
Gentle coping ideas:
- Acknowledge the mismatch: Write or say out loud, “This is not what I hoped for,” and allow that to land. Sometimes just naming disappointment loosens its grip.
- Redefine what you can ask for: Instead of “I’m going to have the perfect family dinner,” try “I will have one meaningful connection this evening,” or “I will give myself permission to leave when I need to.”
- Structure new traditions: Sometimes healing means creating your version of family—friends, chosen family, solo ritual. You’re allowed to build something that fits you.
- Check for internal critic voices: Are you telling yourself you “should” feel grateful/joyful/etc.? If yes, pause. Your feelings are valid, even if they don’t look like the picture you expected.
- Reach out: If the weight of this grief feels big, you don’t have to carry it alone. Therapy, peer support, or even a trusted friend can help you process the gap between hope and reality.
4. Food Focus: For Those Recovering from Disordered Eating and/or Struggles with Body Image
What this trigger can feel like:
- Holiday meals and buffets may feel overwhelming, symbolic, or laden with old rules.
- You might feel pressure (internal or external) to “behave,” “stay in control,” “be good,” or you may feel guilt, shame, or anxiety around food.
- Body image may become hyper-activated by social expectations, photos, or past comments.
Why it matters: The holiday season often brings layers of triggers—not just food, but relational, identity, and trauma-based triggers all wrapped together. Such settings can stir old coping mechanisms, unhelpful perfectionism, or self-critique, making it essential to plan ways to support yourself.
Gentle coping ideas:
- Mindful allowance: Choose one dish you really want—pause, savor it, notice taste/textures, notice how your body responds. Let yourself be present.
- Check in with your body before, during, and after eating: How am I feeling? What do I need? Pause to breathe.
- Use internal ally voices: Remind yourself: “I am worthy of nourishment and pleasure. My history doesn’t dictate my future.”
- Pre-plan escape routes: If food talk or body talk becomes overwhelming, step outside, go for a short walk, text a recovery friend, breathe.
- Have a recovery support plan: Maybe it’s reaching out to a therapist, a recovery group, journaling, or a safe friend. Don’t wait until things feel unbearable—use your plan proactively.
5. Focus on Alcohol: For Individuals in Recovery from Substances
What this trigger can feel like:
- Social gatherings may include or even encourage alcohol consumption, and that may bring up temptation, anxiety, or old shame.
- You might feel isolated if you’re abstaining while others drink; you may feel on guard, “safe,” or “on display.”
- Conversations or settings may stir memories of past use or relapse triggers.
Why it matters: Recovery is not just about abstaining; it’s about reorganizing your nervous system, relationships, and identity around something different. During the holidays, when alcohol may be part of the landscape, the risk of feeling triggered is higher.
Gentle coping ideas:
- Have your “why” ready: Remind yourself of what’s at stake—to your body, your relationships, your self-respect—and what you’re choosing instead.
- Bring or plan alternatives: Sparkling water, mocktail, going for a walk at a set time—whatever shift you need to step out of the drinking context.
- Buddy up: If possible, connect with a recovery friend or accountability partner before/during/after the event.
- Set intention and boundary: It’s okay to skip certain events, leave early, or choose to be fully present without alcohol.
- Debrief: After the gathering, check in with your body: how you feel, what memories surfaced, what you’ll do differently next time (or not do). Honor your recovery every step of the way.
Final Notes: Gifting Yourself Compassion
You are not alone. Many people carry hidden struggles through the holidays. Choosing to notice them—rather than ignore them—is courageous.
Self-compassion is your anchor. At The Carlile Therapy Group, we believe in meeting ourselves where we are: “I feel this way. That makes sense given my story. What would I need now?” is a powerful internal stance.
Therapy is for the good times and the hard times. If this season lands heavier than usual, remember: you don’t have to hold it alone. Our work is relational, trauma-informed, somatically aware—and we are here to walk with you.
Small shifts matter. A five-minute breathing exercise, a boundary voice, a check-in with yourself—these aren’t “weak coping” solutions; they are significant steps in nervous system regulation, in reclaiming your agency.
If You’d Like to Go Deeper…
Consider scheduling a session with us at The Carlile Therapy Group so we can explore your unique holiday experience together—to understand your system’s patterns, support your coping plan, and help you lean into the season with more presence, more choice, and more self-friendship.
Contact us today to schedule a consultation with one of our compassionate, experienced therapists. We’d love to help you create a plan that supports your growth, healing, and everyday wellbeing.